Conversation Skills: Definition, Skills, Examples and How to Improve Them
By Michael Lee, communication and relationship coach Last updated
Conversation skills are the abilities a person uses to start, sustain, deepen and end a conversation. Conversation skills form the practical core of communication between two people. The 8 most important conversation skills are active listening, open-ended questions, follow-up questions, balanced turn-taking, self-disclosure, building on the other person’s point, small talk and reading nonverbal cues. Every conversation moves through 4 stages: opening, sustaining, deepening and closing. Adults learn conversation skills through deliberate practice.
What Are Conversation Skills?
Conversation skills are the abilities a person uses to start, sustain, deepen and end a conversation with another person. Conversation skills combine three actions: listening, questioning and responding. Conversation skills are also called conversational skills. The terms “conversation skills” and “conversational skills” describe the same set of abilities.
Conversation skills are a subset of communication skills. Conversation skills are also a subset of social skills. Communication skills cover every way people exchange meaning, including writing and public speaking. Conversation skills cover the live, back-and-forth exchange between specific people.
Conversation skills include verbal behaviors and nonverbal behaviors. Verbal conversation behaviors include asking questions, sharing stories and responding to the other person’s words. Nonverbal conversation behaviors include eye contact, tone of voice and body language. Turn-taking connects verbal behaviors and nonverbal behaviors. Turn-taking signals mark the end of one speaker’s turn and the start of the next speaker’s turn.
Conversation skills build rapport. Rapport is the sense of mutual understanding between two people. Rapport grows when both people feel heard.
What Is the Difference Between Conversation and Communication?
Communication is any exchange of meaning between a sender and a receiver. Conversation is live, two-way, informal communication between specific people. A company newsletter is communication without being conversation. Newsletter readers cannot respond in real time. A chat between two friends is both communication and conversation.
Conversation differs from other forms of interpersonal communication in three ways. Conversation happens in real time. Conversation follows no fixed script. Conversation depends on both people taking turns.
Why Are Conversation Skills Important?
Conversation skills are important because conversations build the relationships that shape a person’s health, happiness and career. Every friendship begins with a conversation. Every romantic relationship and professional connection also begins with a conversation.
Strong relationships protect long-term health. The Harvard Study of Adult Development has followed its participants since 1938. The Harvard Study of Adult Development found that the people most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80 (World Economic Forum summary). Weak social connection carries health costs. The 2023 US Surgeon General’s advisory reported that about 1 in 2 US adults experience loneliness (AHRQ summary).
Conversation skills shape first impressions. First impressions form during the opening exchange of a conversation. Conversation skills draw on emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the ability to notice and respond to another person’s feelings. The importance of communication extends to personal life and professional life.
How Do Conversation Skills Help at Work?
Conversation skills help at work by turning colleagues, clients and interviewers into working relationships. Networking depends on small talk with strangers. Productive meetings depend on listening before responding. Client relationships depend on questions that uncover client needs. Job interviews depend on clear answers and thoughtful questions. Each workplace situation uses the same 8 conversation skills.
What Is a Conversationalist?
A conversationalist is a person who is skilled at engaging, balanced and easy-to-follow conversation. The phrase “good conversationalist” works as a compliment. A good conversationalist is someone other people enjoy talking with. Synonyms for conversationalist include talker, communicator and raconteur. A raconteur is a person who tells stories well.
A conversationalist makes the other person feel interesting. A good conversation depends on both people rather than on one performer.
What Makes Someone a Good Conversationalist?
The 6 traits of a good conversationalist are curiosity, attentive listening, follow-up questions, balanced talking time, appropriate self-disclosure and reading nonverbal cues. The 6 traits are below.
- Curiosity: A good conversationalist shows genuine interest in other people’s thoughts.
- Attentive listening: A good conversationalist listens to understand the other person.
- Follow-up questions: A good conversationalist asks follow up questions about the other person’s last statement.
- Balanced talking time: A good conversationalist shares speaking time evenly with the other person.
- Appropriate self-disclosure: A good conversationalist shares personal details at the same depth as the other person.
- Reading nonverbal cues: A good conversationalist adjusts to the other person’s eye contact, posture and tone.
What Are the Elements of a Conversation?
The 7 elements of a conversation are participants, topic, turn-taking, questions, responses and feedback, nonverbal cues and context. The 7 elements of a conversation are below.
- Participants: The participants are the two or more people who take part in the conversation.
- Topic: The topic is the subject the participants discuss. A single conversation moves through several topics.
- Turn-taking: Turn-taking is the pattern in which participants alternate between speaking and listening.
- Questions: Questions invite the other participant to share information, opinions or feelings.
- Responses and feedback: Responses and feedback show that a participant heard and understood the previous turn.
- Nonverbal cues: Nonverbal cues are the facial expressions, gestures, eye contact and tone that carry meaning beyond words.
- Context: Context is the setting, relationship and timing that shape what participants say.
The elements of a conversation map onto the wider elements of communication. The elements of communication include the sender, receiver, message and feedback. A conversation adds turn-taking to the elements of communication. Each conversation participant acts as both sender and receiver.
What Are the 8 Most Important Conversation Skills?
The 8 most important conversation skills are active listening, open-ended questions, follow-up questions, balanced turn-taking, self-disclosure, building on the other person’s point, small talk and reading nonverbal cues. The 8 most important conversation skills are below.
- Active listening: Active listening is paying full attention to the speaker’s words. Active listening includes reflecting the message back before responding. Active listening shows the speaker that the message landed. An example of active listening is “So the new job is great, but the commute is wearing you down?”
- Open-ended questions: Open-ended questions start with what, how or why. Open-ended questions require more than a yes-or-no answer. Open ended questions invite longer answers. Longer answers give the conversation more material. An example of an open-ended question is “What was the best part of the trip?”
- Follow-up questions: Follow-up questions ask about the other person’s last statement. Harvard researchers found that people who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, were liked more by their conversation partners (Huang et al., 2017). The same study found that speed daters who asked more questions received more agreements for a second date. An example of a follow-up question is “You mentioned you started climbing last year. What got you into it?”
- Balanced turn-taking: Balanced turn-taking gives each person an equal share of the conversation. Balanced turn-taking creates a back and forth exchange. Unbalanced turn-taking turns a conversation into a monologue or an interview.
- Self-disclosure: Self-disclosure is sharing personal experiences, opinions and short stories. Self-disclosure gives the other person material to respond to. Matched self-disclosure builds trust between two people. An example of self-disclosure is “I was nervous before my first climbing lesson too.”
- Building on the other person’s point: Building on a point means accepting the other person’s idea and adding to it. Improv performers call this technique “yes, and.” Building on a point keeps the conversation on the other person’s topic. An example of building on a point is “Yes, and I’ve heard the hardest part is trusting your feet.”
- Small talk: Small talk is light conversation about shared, low-stakes topics. Common small talk topics include the setting, the weather and the event. Small talk lowers pressure at the start of a conversation. Small talk helps two people find a topic for a deeper conversation.
- Reading nonverbal cues: Reading nonverbal cues means noticing eye contact, body language, facial expressions and tone of voice. Nonverbal cues show whether the other person is engaged, bored or ready to leave.
The 8 conversation skills support each other. Active listening supplies material for follow-up questions. Follow-up questions create openings for self-disclosure.
What Are the Stages of a Conversation?
The 4 stages of a conversation are opening, sustaining, deepening and closing. The 4 stages of a conversation are below.
- Opening: The opening starts the conversation and sets a friendly tone.
- Sustaining: Sustaining keeps the conversation moving after the first topic ends.
- Deepening: Deepening moves the conversation from facts to opinions and feelings.
- Closing: Closing ends the conversation warmly.
A brief exchange moves from the opening stage directly to the closing stage. A full conversation, such as a first date, passes through all 4 stages.
How Do You Start a Conversation?
Starting a conversation uses one of three opening moves: a situational comment, a simple question or an introduction. A situational comment refers to something both people can see. An example of a situational comment is “This line is moving fast for a Saturday.” A simple question invites an easy answer. An example of a simple question is “How do you know the host?” An introduction is the most direct opening move. An example of an introduction is “Hi, I’m Michael. I don’t think we’ve met.” The guide on how to start a conversation covers openers for different settings.
What Is the Role of Small Talk?
Small talk lowers the stakes at the start of a conversation. Small talk tests the other person’s openness to talking. Small talk reveals a shared topic for a deeper conversation. Small talk serves as the warm-up for a deeper conversation. A comment about an event leads to the question of how each person knows the host. The answer to that question reveals a job, a hobby or a story worth exploring. The small talk guide covers small talk topics and examples.
How Do You Keep a Conversation Going?
Keeping a conversation going relies on three techniques: follow-up questions, free information and topic threading. Follow-up questions ask for more detail about the other person’s last statement. Free information is the extra detail a person volunteers in an answer. An example of free information is “I just got back from Denver.” Topic threading is returning to an earlier detail when the current topic fades. An example of topic threading is “You said earlier you used to live in Denver. What took you there?” The same three techniques apply to text conversations. Free information carries extra value in text conversations, where replies are short. The guides on how to keep a conversation going and text conversation starters cover each technique in depth.
How Do You Deepen a Conversation?
Deepening a conversation means moving from facts to opinions and feelings. Deepening a conversation also requires matching the other person’s level of disclosure. A factual question asks about events. An example of a factual question is “Where did you grow up?” A deeper question asks about meaning. An example of a deeper question is “What do you miss most about growing up there?” Deepening works when both people share at a similar depth. The guide to deep questions to ask lists questions for friends, dates and partners.
How Do You End a Conversation Politely?
Ending a conversation politely involves three steps: signaling the close, appreciating the exchange and stating a next step. A closing signal prepares the other person for the end of the conversation. An example of a closing signal is “I should go find my friends soon.” Appreciation leaves a positive final impression. An example of appreciation is “I really enjoyed hearing about the climbing.” A next step keeps the relationship open. An example of a next step is “Let’s grab coffee next week.” The guide on how to end a conversation covers exits for parties, phone calls and work.
What Are the Rules of a Good Conversation?
The 5 rules of a good conversation are two-way exchange, listening over planning, responding to the actual message, short turns and ending on a high point. The 5 rules of a good conversation are below.
- Two-way exchange: A good conversation gives both people an equal share of speaking and listening.
- Listening over planning: Planning the next line during the other person’s turn causes missed information. Focused listening captures the full message.
- Responding to the actual message: A response that builds on the other person’s words shows attention. A response that changes the subject shows inattention.
- Short turns: Short turns of a few sentences give the other person frequent chances to join in.
- Ending on a high point: Ending while the energy is high makes the other person want another conversation.
The 5 rules apply to every setting, from a party to a performance review. Nervousness weakens the 5 rules. Practice protects the 5 rules under pressure.
What Are Common Conversation Mistakes?
The 5 most common conversation mistakes are interrogating, one-upping, interrupting, rushing to fill silences and checking a phone. The 5 common conversation mistakes are below.
- Interrogating: Interrogating is asking question after question without sharing anything. Interrogating makes a conversation feel like an interview.
- One-upping: One-upping is answering every story with a bigger personal story. One-upping signals that the other person’s story did not matter.
- Interrupting: Interrupting cuts off the other person’s thought. Interrupting signals that the interrupter’s point matters more.
- Rushing to fill silences: Rushing to fill every pause blocks the other person’s most considered thoughts. A short awkward silence is a normal part of conversation.
- Checking a phone: Checking a phone during a conversation signals divided attention.
What Is Conversational Narcissism?
Conversational narcissism is the habit of steering conversations back to oneself. Sociologist Charles Derber described conversational narcissism in his book The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Ego in Everyday Life (overview). Derber distinguished two kinds of response. A shift response moves attention to the new speaker. An example of a shift response is “I went to Spain last year too.” A support response keeps attention on the last speaker. An example of a support response is “What was the best part of Spain?” Conversational narcissism comes from relying on shift responses. Support responses reduce conversational narcissism.
What Do Good and Bad Conversation Responses Look Like?
A good conversation response builds on the other person’s words. A weak conversation response closes the topic or moves attention to the listener. The table below compares weak and stronger responses in 5 common situations.
| Situation | Weak response | Stronger response | Skill used |
|---|---|---|---|
| “I spent the weekend hiking.” | “Nice.” | “Where did you go? Was it your first time on that trail?” | Follow-up questions |
| “I just started a new job.” | “I changed jobs last year too. It was a nightmare.” | “Congratulations. What made you decide to switch?” | Support response |
| “I’ve been learning to bake bread.” | “Do you like it?” | “What got you into bread? What has been the hardest part so far?” | Open-ended questions |
| “My dog has been sick this week.” | “Oh. Anyway, did you see the game?” | “I’m sorry, that sounds stressful. How is he doing now?” | Active listening |
| “I love traveling.” (on a first date) | “Me too.” | “Me too. I went to Lisbon in spring and loved it. What’s the best place you’ve been?” | Self-disclosure plus a question |
Every stronger response in the table performs one of two actions. The first action is asking for more of the other person’s story. The second action is sharing a detail and handing the turn back.
How Can You Improve Your Conversation Skills?
Conversation skills improve through deliberate practice of one skill at a time in real conversations. The 7 ways to improve conversation skills are below.
- Weekly skill focus: A weekly skill focus applies one of the 8 conversation skills in every conversation for one week.
- One follow-up question per conversation: One follow-up question per conversation is a small, measurable habit.
- Recording and review: Recording a practice conversation, with permission, reveals interruptions, rushing and topic changes.
- Daily small talk: Daily small talk with a barista, a coworker or a neighbor builds conversational confidence.
- Reading the room: Reading the room means matching pace and depth to the other person’s energy, eye contact and posture.
- Feedback: Feedback from a trusted friend identifies conversational strengths and weaknesses.
- Coaching: A coach observes conversational habits and gives specific feedback.
The guide on how to improve communication skills covers wider communication habits. The communication exercises guide lists partner activities for practice.
What Are the Signs of Weak Conversation Skills?
The 5 signs of weak conversation skills are stalled conversations, one-sided talking, short answers from the other person, rehearsing instead of listening and avoiding social events. The 5 signs are below.
- Stalled conversations: A stalled conversation runs out of material after two or three exchanges.
- One-sided talking: One-sided talking leaves the speaker knowing little about the other person.
- Short answers: Short answers from the other person signal closed questions or low engagement.
- Rehearsing instead of listening: Rehearsing means planning the next line during the other person’s turn.
- Avoiding social events: Avoiding social events signals that conversation feels draining or uncertain.
Can Adults Learn Conversation Skills?
Adults learn conversation skills through practice and feedback. A 2023 review in the journal First Language found controlled studies in which conversation training improved children’s conversational ability (Abbot-Smith et al., 2023). The same review reported gains in peer interaction and peer popularity ratings. Most published conversation-training trials involve children. Evidence for adults is therefore thinner than evidence for children. Lack of confidence and social anxiety are common starting points for adults. The guide on nervous talking to people covers both starting points.
How Can Introverts Become Better Conversationalists?
Introverts become better conversationalists by using two natural strengths: listening and depth. Introversion describes a person’s energy source rather than a person’s conversational ability. One-to-one settings suit the introvert preference for depth. Preparing two or three questions before an event reduces the effort of starting a conversation. Planned breaks protect the “social battery”, the limited social energy introverts describe.
Where Can Adults Practice Conversation Skills?
Adults practice conversation skills in settings with regular, low-stakes conversation. The 5 best places to practice conversation skills are below.
- Toastmasters clubs: Toastmasters International, founded in 1924, runs clubs for speaking and impromptu conversation practice.
- Meetup and hobby groups: Shared interests give every conversation an easy starting topic.
- Volunteering: Volunteering combines conversation with a shared task.
- Improv and acting classes: Improv classes train listening and the “yes, and” technique.
- Coaching: Communication coaching gives structured practice with personal feedback.
What Are the Best Books on Conversation Skills?
The 5 best books on conversation skills are How to Win Friends and Influence People, Crucial Conversations, The Fine Art of Small Talk, We Need to Talk and Supercommunicators. The 5 books are below.
- How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie (1936): How to Win Friends and Influence People teaches genuine interest, listening and name recall.
- Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler (2002): Crucial Conversations teaches open dialogue in high-stakes, emotional disagreements.
- The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine: The Fine Art of Small Talk teaches starting, sustaining and gracefully ending conversations.
- We Need to Talk by Celeste Headlee (2017): Celeste Headlee is a public radio journalist. We Need to Talk teaches better listening and more meaningful conversation.
- Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg (2024): Supercommunicators explains why some people connect easily. Supercommunicators describes different kinds of conversation, each with its own goal.
Reading builds understanding of conversation skills. Practice builds the conversation skills themselves.
How Do Conversation Skills Help in Dating and Relationships?
Conversation skills shape first dates and long-term relationships. First dates and long-term relationships both depend on feeling heard. Follow-up questions and balanced turn-taking turn a polite first-date exchange into real interest. Harvard speed-dating research found that people who asked more questions received more second-date agreements (Huang et al., 2017).
Conversation skills keep long-term partners close. Active listening, support responses and matched self-disclosure help partners keep learning about each other. Communication in relationships builds on conversation skills. Communication in relationships adds skills for disagreement, apology and repair.
Michael Lee teaches conversation skills live in The Roadmap Fundamentals. The Roadmap Fundamentals is a three-hour coaching session for dating, friendship and work.